I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she looked like the before picture.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize