Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
