My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
