Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
