Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
