He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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