sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize