And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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