It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
