sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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