Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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