I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
