I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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