I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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