grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
