she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
