I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
