Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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