After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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