i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
