It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
