I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
