so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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