toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Randomize
