my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
