Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
