did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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