I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
