No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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