why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
