I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
