totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
