Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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