i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
