Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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