I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize