I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
