I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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