They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize