Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
