im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's always time for handjobs
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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