I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
