I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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