Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
