I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
