I have demons in me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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