omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The air was thick with penises
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
