Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize