I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
