so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
