we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
