I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
