What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
