Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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