I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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