a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
