Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just tell him i said nine months
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
