So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
We had to coat check the pizza.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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