You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
