you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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