Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
