Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
