I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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