she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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